I love my husband. I really do. He makes me laugh so hard I snort, let’s me run my hands anytime I want through his manly face hair, and he likes to cuddle all night long. It’s true. He’s the best. But sometimes, he says some really dumb things. Like so dumb sometimes, that as he’s talking, my mind says… “you can’t possibly think that this convo is gonna go well for you, can you?” Sometimes I just look at him as he speaks or when he’s done saying something real dumb… and just feel sorry for him. Like, poor thing. He has just dug himself a big ole fashioned hole. I figured you ladies out there also have husbands who are amazing and loving and hard-workers… that also say really stupid things. So, I’ve compiled a list for all of you girlfriends and wives out there… for comfort, empathy, and to know you’re not alone… but mostly for laughs.
My friend kim always prides herself in the gift for others to go second. She volunteers to go first for stuff so others don’t have to. Including getting in line for pie. Well, there ain’t no pie here… but I’m gonna be like kim. My husband and silly things he says….
Exhibit A. Anytime my husband responds to something I say or ask of him with the words, “Honey, are you fixing to start your period?”… I seriously question his intelligence. If I am going through crazy hormone changes that make me more sensitive or make me feel crazy, then why would you say something that would emphasize either one of those situations? You lose.
Exhibit B. After having long hair for over 6 years, I finally got brave and wanted to cut it off. I spent days and days preparing my husband bc even though he never saw my hair down bc it was in a Pentecostal bun all day ere day, he was having trouble preparing himself for this shorter do. Finally, one night I showed him a picture of the hair cut I wanted… the hair cut I loved… I asked the question,” honey do you like this cut?” His response was in the sweetest tone with no maliciousness behind his words… but he said,” I don’t know. That girls face is really small.” I chopped off a couple extra inches. 😁
Example number three. Every man in America needs to hear this one. I love my mother in law with my entire heart and she is one of the most selfless women I’ve ever known… but when her son starts a sentence with, ” Well, my mom…” stop. Right. There. I get this most often in the kitchen. I cooked spaghetti for three years before one day he tells me he doesn’t like my sauce. He called his mom to ask what kind she used so I could get it right. I will get something right. How bout you fix your own spaghetti, you big noodle.
Now, let’s talk about my friend Lyndsey. Her husband is hilarious, and he has the vocal chords of a song bird in the springtime… but Kyle be sayin’ stupid things. When visiting Lyndsey’s home town, and going through her old high school photos, Kyle comes across a collection of pictures of his lovely bride… and so innocently proclaims, “Oh my gosh! Look how tan and skinny you were!” No, no, and no. Husband. Let’s go pull out your old photos from 10 years ago and we’ll see who the real dish is. This same husband comes home after a day at work, while Lyndsey kept two kids alive… has changed 18 dirty diapers, taken out the trash, vacuumed, mopped, given the girls baths, done four loads of laundry, cleaned out her car, AND started dinner… And Kyle looks at her with disgust while she is still in her pajamas and asks, “Well, what have you done all day?!?” Ummm I’m pretty sure I would’ve handed the kids over, Screamed. “Bye, Felicia!” and driven to Target in my dirty pajamas. Target always welcomes you. Target doesn’t judge.
My homegirl, Melissa… well we saved her for last. Maybe this will be like when Jesus says the last shall be first… bc she deserves to win something BIG after the things that sweet husband of hers has said. Really, we could have dedicated an entire blog post to just her husband. His name is eric. He’s either a big ‘ole dummy head, or 100% clueless on romancing his lady.
Story number one. Melissa is fixing to walk out the door rockin’ her new skinny jeans, and Eric proclaims with laughter, “Are you going to wear those jeans?!?” Well, Captain Obvious apparently wasn’t home, so she replied with the words, “Yes. Do they look bad on me?” He says, “Well, they make your butt look big if that’s what you’re asking.” Frustrated, she replies, “They’re skinny jeans. They’re in style.” Eric comes in for the big win and says, ” Skinny jeans? Maybe they’re just in style for skinny girls.” Eric. Eric. Eric.
Story number two, this also pertains to clothing. On one hand, Melissa set herself up for this one. On the other hand, she was just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her. “Does this skirt make my butt look big?” Get ready. He says in response, “No, your butt makes your butt look big.” After this comment, she does what any reasonable girl would do in her situation. She murdered him. Then she threw his body into the Drakes Creek. She often remembers the life they built together in the barn where they once lived… and sometimes, she takes her kayak to the creek and floats by his remains… in her skinny jeans… big butt and all.
The point is guys, wait… girls… the point is, girls, guys just need a little guidance. We always have hope in Jesus, so maybe by the time we die, our husbands will say stupid things a lot less often. Dream big, right? I want to end this blog with my most favoritist “stupid thing a husband says” story ever. You’re welcome in advance.
I worked with a lady a few years ago that had been married for years and years. She and her husband are in love and super happy, and she did forgive him for this one eventually. She was having one of those days where nothing she put on was comfortable. She hated how she looked in every outfit, and she felt pressure because of dinner plans they had that night. She kept saying how fat she was and how she had nothing to wear, all the while her husband tried to calmly comfort her. Finally, after an hour of trying on dozens of outfits and feeling like a BLOB in every single one, she finally throws herself on the bed, naked, and screams with tears in her eyes, ” That’s it! I’m not going! I’ve got nothing to wear, because I’m fat. I’m fat! ” Her sweet husband who loves her so, came right over… putting his hand gently on her knee.. gazing into her eyes with love and compassion and softly says, “Honey. You are NOT fat. You’re just bigger than you’ve ever been before.” End scene.